This is no time to be thinking about time. It’s 98 days before the election, a decade or more to go until I can even begin to think about retirement and the mortgage is due tomorrow. Pundits and prognosticators tell me it’s only a matter of time before the collapse of the euro, a governmental edict forcing us to eat broccoli, and the sanctioning of the union between a person and their pet goldfish. And Greenland glacier calving offers conclusive evidence that the time has come for making an offer on oceanfront property in Des Moines.
Truth is, no one really knows what time is. How can it be both on my side and running out, money and an illusion, a river and a 1963 Pontiac Tempest with a blown tranny (OK, I might be reaching a bit for that last metaphor)? Albert Einstein said that the only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once (that helps to understand the hairstyle, but not the General Theory of Relativity). But we do know that time surely passes.
Speaking of which, on August 6, 2012, Russell Foster will be commemorating the completion of his 50th orbit around the sun. Of course, he wants to keep things low key, at least until after the expiration of the statute of limitations in certain states east of the Mississippi, so there will be no ostentatious celebration of this milestone birthday. Which is just another way of saying he didn’t want to spring for the beer.
But that shouldn’t stop his far flung friends from offering up their best wishes on this important date. It would be great if you would leave a comment to this post as a greeting along with remembrances of good times together or funny stories, which will be shared with Russell on his birthday. And remember, this is the AARP birthday, so the more humiliating the better. If you have incriminating photos to share, please send them to Russell’s wife, Kim, at kimcfoster@gmail.com.
Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
ReplyDeleteI have known Russell for 27 years. We met back in 1985 when we both worked for InterFirst Bank in Houston. In short, I have seen absolutely no personal growth / maturity in Russell over this time frame. None, zero...he is frozen in time. His day still begins with his morning dip of skoal and 36 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew and ends with a 12 pack of Miller Lite. (It is also important to note that regardless of work load or Kim's affections, no day can begin until Russell has completed the NY Times crosswords puzzle.) I also have absolutely no idea how Russell ended up married to Kim...one can only assume that he has some hidden "strengths/skills" that none of us are aware of, but thats a story for another blog.
When my wife and I moved to Atlanta in 1996, I knew one person in the entire city - Russell - not exactly a great starting point when moving to a new city. That said, Russell and Kim immediately made us feel right at home and we now count them among our very best friends. Go figure.
I have dozens of "Russell" stories I would love to share, but given that I always seemed to be with him when these stories occurred, coupled with the fact that both of our wives will be reading this blog, I will sadly have to refrain at this time..but there are some damn good ones.
Happy 50th my friend, and let me know if you need a ride to your colonoscopy appointment next week.
Also from Pat...
DeleteThe funniest memory I have of Russell was when he tortured this poor soul that worked in our group there in Tysons Corners with phone calls under the guise of inquiring about a checking account with the former C&S Soverign. Russell used a made-up name and would call this guy (I'll call this guy Gomer Pyle) who was just right across from Russell in a cube and Gomer would try and try to be polite, thinking he was being a good NationsBank employee offering customer service all the while telling Russell that he did not have anything to do with checking accounts. Russell would continue to press and ask silly questions until Gomer would finally loose it and slam down the phone never realizing it was Russell in the cube directly across from Gomer. Russell would wait and while and call back and poor Gomer would get sucked in again.
50 is half a hundred and the clear reason for making it this far was through Kim's efforts.
ReplyDeleteHappy 50th. You've earned every year.
After spending a considerable amount of time (well over a minute) trying to come up with something clever to say, I finally decided to do what I do best and plagiarize someone else's efforts. Please enjoy the adages of some of the world's most famous sages.....with additional color provided from yours truly. Kim, please read this to Russell at your earliest convenience.
ReplyDelete"Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time." - Jean Paul Richter
Then you must be a pterodactyl.
"May you live all the days of your life." - Jonathan Swift
Except the last one.
"With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come." - William Shakespeare
In which case, you must be the jolliest person on the planet.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." - Chili Davis
Russell's life motto.
"You can't turn back the clock, but you can wind it up again."
Who the hell still owns a wind-up watch?
"The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune." - English Proverb
You're saccharine
"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny
Unless you have lost your mind, then nothing matters.
"A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age."
I remember neither….we'll call it a draw.
"And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
Replace the last "life" with "beer" and you're a freakin' czar.
"No wise man ever wished to be younger." - Jonathan Swift
The term "wise" appears to be rather subjective here. On another note, I am doubting the polling process for this survey.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
I don't think "wearing out" is as an attractive option as Bishop Dick thinks it is.
"It's not how old you are, but how you are old."
Hmmm….Grumpy?
All kidding aside, I want to wish you the happiest 60th birthday ever. And I will state firmly you don't look a day over 58.
Your Best Friend,
Justin McWhorter
Happy Birthday Russell. I have enjoyed getting to know you over the past couple of years and enjoy the good times we have had on the golf course and look forward to many more. Enjoy your day. Alex Smith
ReplyDeleteP.s. I don't care what other people say.. I don't think you look a day over 60.
Russell, you are living proof that the old adage -- "a case of light beer a day keeps the doctor away" -- is true. Happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Carol & Brooks O'Kelley
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt’s been interesting looking back on Foster stories while thinking about him turning fifty. Mostly I like how my mind remembers, and then embellishes, and then the trumped-up story becomes my new memory. I would hate to go back in time and see what really happened. That would just be disappointing.
ReplyDeleteSo two quick stories, but first a sobering realization. Over the past 20+ years there’s been no one, other than my wife, with whom I’ve spent more nights in hotel rooms than with Russell. I’m still processing that. In some indigenous cultures we may already be married. Thankfully, my memories of those nights are somewhat hazy.
First story occurred after a company golf outing. I’d probably been with the company a few months and knew Russell, but not very well as we worked on other sides of the building from each other. After golf, everyone went back to a local bar/restaurant for beer and appetizers. At one point, of course, the men’s room beckoned, and when I got there it was packed with guys. Local guys from some softball team or something. Big guys. Loud guys. The kind of guys that tip cows and marry their cousins. The testosterone level was off the charts.
A urinal opens up and I take my place. The one next to me opens up and someone steps up (I don’t know who, as, being originally from New York City, I don’t make eye contact on subways and in men’s rooms). Turns out it’s Russell, who proceeds to ask me in a very loud voice, “So Devlin, how are things working out with that guy you’re living with.” I seem to remember mumbling something back to him in a very deep voice and stumbling quickly out of there.
Next story is when we’re all down in Miami for a division meeting and a group of us flew in a day early to play golf the next morning with a god-awful 7:00 AM tee time. I’m in the lobby calling Russell’s cell phone pretty steadily from 6:15 on and we’d just about given up hope when suddenly we are shocked to be joined by a scary and pathetic figure of a man that we assumed was panhandling. It took a couple of seconds before we realized it was Russell. His hair was rumpled. His eyelids were rumpled. His clothes were rumpled. His socks were rumpled, and he wasn’t wearing any socks. Turns out he had been out with Peterson last night and had only gotten to sleep about an hour or so before.
But he soldiered on and joined us, setting himself up to be the butt of jokes all day long. I remember that when we got to the course, he borrowed $10 from me and sent a kid who was hanging around the pro shop out on a bicycle to go to the store and get some Skoal and, yeah, probably a Mountain Dew. And as I’ve embellished the story, I think I never got my ten bucks back.
But it was worth it. Every memory of Russell has a smile and a laugh connected with it, and that’s an unbelievable batting average. Happy 50th, my friend, and here’s to many more memories to come.
Happy Birthday Russell! I used to think that I could construct a fairly witty email injected with sarcasm and light insults...then I began to receive your weekly tennis updates / post mortem reports and realized I was toiling in the minor leagues. I always appreciate your humor and I'm sure those 7 guys who suddenly abandoned our team will appreciate it one day as well.
ReplyDeleteThe team chipped in to purchase a year's supply of tall boys for that cute little pink cooler of yours to help you celebrate your half century mark. We expect the supply to be drained by week two.
I'd say you aged like a fine wine - complex and a little fruity.
See ya dude.
R - Red-head
ReplyDeleteU - University of Texas
S - Scooter
S - Skoal
E - Enjoys Beer
L - Loves Tennis
L - L (roman numeral - 50)
Recipe for a great birthday....
1 stick of butter
1 cream cheese
Can of mexicorn
Can of shoepeg corn
Can of rotel
Tortilla chips
Melt together butter & cream cheese. Drain corn & rotel.
Stir together and serve warm with chips!
For the record Russell tried to poison me with a raw hamburger
but I can attest his grilling skills have improved greatly in 16 years.
Thanks for being such a fun guy, great friend and always making me
laugh (mostly at myself!).
Happy 50th Russell!
Wendy
PS I would have made you an awesome cake if you'd had a party AND spent days fluffing for it!! Maybe in your old age you'll forget the image of me in the hospital all those years ago, or I get to see you after your colonoscopy and we'd be even! :). Wendy
ReplyDeleteRussell,
ReplyDeleteI have coordinated with my Superiors to wear my pink shirt (complete with name badge, wings, and shoulder strips) while flying tomorrow in celebration of this glorious day. When asked why, I will inform the passengers I am in protest of chick-fil-a, but secretly revel in the fact you are not man enough to wear it!
How can this guy keep sinking these thirty plus foot clutch putts?
Happy Birthday my Friend, look forward to a round or two with you this year-
Bob Dial
PS. I promise to leave the cars keys with the rightful owner next time....sorry Alex
Happy Birthday Russell!! I owe you that because early in the fall of our freshman year of college you brought me a polo shirt ( a prized possession in those days, coupled with the fact that you bought an XS which was kind and flattering, but which size I have never worn) for my birthday. I remember feeling badly because I had totally forgotten ( or blown off) your birthday. So, happy, happy birthday old friend!!!! Sorry there is no present attached. I also have some rather hazy but fond memories of you and Andy renting your dates a very spiffy van for prom night. Nothing but the best. Ha!
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a very happy birthday and 50 more wonderful years!
Love,
Mindy
XS was probably the only size left from one of Heffy's 'clearance' sales.
DeleteHappy Birthday Russell! We don't know if we have ever told you how much we love to hang out with you! We love your wit and dry humor and are sure it will only get better with age!
ReplyDeleteDon't party too hard when you are celebrating and we hope to spend some time with you soon!
Mike and Marcy Cooper
Here is a story that illustrates the generous side of Russell.
ReplyDeleteI had the pleasure of playing in a charity golf tournament with Russell this spring. Russell was disappointed after his opening hole. While most of us would have been happy with a 300 plus yard drive down the middle of the fairway, a fairway wood to the middle of the green, an eagle putt just lipping out, resulting in a tap in birdie. Russell however is not like the rest of us. He plays the game at a different level....a level most of us would not recognize. He muttered a few choice words. marched off the green and flagged down the cart girl for a beverage to help settle down. Russell asked her if she took cash. She paused, thought for a moment, smiled at Russell and indicated she did indeed take cash. He gave her a twenty dollar bill. She gave him a beer, pocketed the money, winked at him and drove off. Russell returned to his foursome perplexed, thinking that he should have received at least a little change. As it turned out the event supplied free beverages....Russell had just tipped the cart girl twenty dollars for a free beer. Needless to say the cart girl was very attentive to Russell for the rest of the day.
Happy birthday to the most generous guy I know.
JFK
Russell, Lynn and I would like to extend birthday wishes to you on the BIG 50! Have a great 50th Birthday! However, my sincere wish is that you remember you had a 50th birthday.
ReplyDeleteIt's been fun playing tennis with you the past couple of years, the matches we won, the matches we've lost (sorry, I tried to cover more of the court - I know, I know - try harder, OK captain) but nothing is better than reading the postmortem on Sunday of Saturday's tennis matches. Win or lose, the team can always count on an honest assessment of performance and the awarding of the game (tennis) ball. Now that you're 50, I am anticipating statesman like comments delivered late Saturday or early Sunday morning as at 50, you'll find your sleep patterns changing - and not for the better.
Well, have a great day, see you soon around the pink cooler for a Miller Lite and don't forget to wear your glasses!
For the record, you don't look a day over 48.
John & Lynn
Wishing you a healthy, happy 50th!
ReplyDeleteGail Newman
Happy Birthday Russell. I've enjoyed getting to know you and on and off the golf course over the last few years.
ReplyDeleteIm glad you finally figured out that you are much more accurate at putting the ball when you actually put the beer can down on the green instead on holding on to it. Seriously, you should give that very vocal golf coach living inside your head a raise!
I would have you on my team anyday - especially in the "clutch".
Russ
Good Old Mr. Foster -
ReplyDeleteI am sure you looked stunning this morning as you stepped up to the front of the line to get your AARP discount for your morning Dew only to learn that it only works at McDonald's and Hardees and only for the more appropriate morning beverage of coffee.
As I thought about your agedness this weekend, I was shocked to think that I have known you and counted you as a friend for more than 10 years. I fondly recalled sitting in the airport with you as you took on some liquid courage for a little white knuckled flying on even the calmest of days. Or the trash heap that has always been your office filled with empty Mountain Dew bottles and a six foot high stack of read newspapers that would surely cause a fire marshal a heart attack.
Of all the good stories and times I have shared with you my favorite story will always involve your use a certain not so PC turn of phrase that I have heard you use on numerous occasions. Suffice it to say if anyone else used the phrase in corporate America they would be fired. Of course with you being you, not only have you used the phrase but inevitably, of course, you have used it on the exact group of people who would be most offended by its use. Were they offended, of course NOT, because it came from ‘Foster’, but the best part of it is that in your cluelessness you never realized that they were in that group, they were just your friends.
All humor aside, I want to tell you that as friends go I hold you in the highest esteem, you have seen me in good times and in some really bad times and you have always remained YOU, which is something to be admired and certainly appreciated.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOSTER!!!
Kells
PS - For all of those who actually think he's going to get a colonoscopy, Kim would have to sedate him just to get him to go to the regular doctor much less to get that kind of probing.
Russell,
ReplyDeleteHAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY!!!
I was going to tell you that I was confident that you could hold off drooling until at least 55 but then I remembered that I have seen "chew juice" come out of the side of your mouth and stain the shirt you had worn for multiple days. No one would ever accuse you of overpacking.
I will admit that I am too old to remember to send a card and almost missed sending this blog comment. I was late enough that I couldn't tell the Miami golf story before Devlin. But I can recall your enthusiasm at our first ACF Field meeting in Chicago when Deyp wanted us all to do some dance or some kind of "team building" exercise. You were actively speaking with Dana and Mike, reconsidering your decision. Never did see you join at any meeting ... but I am sure glad that you stayed!
By the way, how are you celebrating? I am sure the kid did something special for his dad, right? Devlin assumes that you took the day off and got out of the fetal position to go to the bar. I thought this was routine practice now. In fact, this is so routine for you that it is hardly a celebration. Let me suggest that you upgrade the beer of choice. Wish I was there so you could buy me one.
So, Russell, no need to get sappy here. I will say it is an honor to be your friend and I wish you nothing but the best in the years to come. You have just reached the half way point, there are many more laughs, good times and contributions along the way!
Carl Riedy
Happy Birthday, Russell!!! I just got back from vacation, so hope I made the cutoff to wish you the happiest of birthdays! And welcome to the Club! I'll always have the best memories of calling my favorite underwriter in the NB/BofA CMBS or whatever the acronym was during the wild securitization years. Thanks for walking me through the ever-changing underwriting process and making the whole experience more fun. Meeting and working with you and Jensen was one of the highlights of my banking experience, and who could have asked for better guys to work with. I've kept up with you through Steve, as he actually calls me when he's in Miami :) and even though some time has passed since you and I have seen each other, I know our paths will cross again, and no matter how much time goes by, I know we can grab a beer and catch up any time. Remember that you'll always have a friend here. Cheers! Have a great birthday, and best wishes always.
ReplyDeleteTerri Echarte
Rusty -
ReplyDeleteFrom my initial memory of you dressed in your fancy white tie in our SAE pledge class photo to Munich's Oktoberfest with you falling down the hotel stairs - naked (the t-shirt was way-too-short) to you opening the door of a moving NYC cab to expel liquids previously consumed to the calming sight of you 'resting' overnight in our van following an evening of water hole/road touring in Monte Carlo to the calls from the DC airport telling me you have been here for a few days only to close the conversation with "I'm leaving now" to the most recent sighting at the Tallahassee 5-star Day's Inn for last year's Florida State game....to many, many, many more. It's been a good ride sir. Though my olfactory nerves remain damaged.....we're not done.
Happy Birthday Glen. I'll buy the first round at McSorley's...but only when they feature the next "Special 2 for 1 Today" sale. - Snider
From Elehwany...
ReplyDeleteRusty,
Your 50th allows me to reminisce about the many times you've been there for me and they guys. Take for instance, when I requested your help as to how to tell my roommate that his ex-wife's dog got squashed by a dump truck (ie: Brandy), you giggled and told me "you’re on your own dumb ass". When I needed a roommate in DC, you said you preferred the ambiance and charm of Tyson’s Corner by stating "I hate trees and old stuff”. When Snider challenged us to drink more at the beach, you pulled off a well executed "Jaeger Sanction" by stating "it worked once, it will work again”. When Dave got a little sick that evening, you had the decency to sleep in the same room and check up on him to make sure he was OK. It was particularly touching when you pumped his stomach by applying an unorthodox version of the Heimlich (ie: punch to the gut when he was sleeping). These are just random samples of the countless times you’ve put our well being ahead of your own.
Thanks again buddy and happy 50th!
Wany
Russell,
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!!! I have known you for 18 years and you haven't changed a bit.... not sure that is a good thing or not!
Happy 50th!
Elizabeth Dye
Foster
ReplyDeleteNow that you're an old man, you can sit on your porch and think about all the great times you had when your body parts worked without assistance from glasses, walkers or ED meds. Speaking of dysfunctional body parts, did you ever get your gas/farts/flatulent problem fixed? My back seat in the Mustang still smells.
So many images of you to remember;
Talking to the nice young black lady on 14th Street in DC and negotiating a lower price (Snider - what was her name?)
Giving me my first "dip" and saying its no big deal. You kept swallowing yours as I hung my head out the window in Georgetown and blew chow.
Laying on the hotel floor in Munich with very little clothing on wondering where you were. I'll be nice on your birthday and not post that picture.
Happy big Five O!
Freddy